Oh, I know you may have been called the meanest mom in the world, but unless you're one of those driving-your-kids-into-the-lake-mean-moms , I've got you beat. How I know-



1. With my first child, and those adorable first three months with colic, I realized I knew not a single lullaby. Instead of simply learning a few soothing tunes I improvised and sang something from the AC/DC catalog in hushed tones when needed. It worked. All together now, "She was a fast machine...."

2. A well -placed lie causes me no dissonance. "No honey, the toy store is closed today, I'm so sorry", "You want a cell phone, cell phones cause brain cancer, are you seriously asking me to buy you a brain tumor?, what kind of mother would do that ?"

3. The Wiggles, Radio Disney, Hannah Montana? Not in my car, now Eminem, that's another story, we have bass-thumping sing-alongs (the volume gets turned down with every profanity, I'm mean, not crazy!).."Two trailer park girls go 'round the outside , c'mon Joey, take that bottle out of your mouth and sing, baby" You are never too young to learn to appreciate talent and a mighty wit.

4. I've never subscribed to a single parenting magazine, nope, not "Family-with-too-much-time-on-their-hands-Fun" or "Overparenting" or "Today's Helicopter Parent". The last thing I need is a monthly reminder of what a crap parent I am for not collecting my empty toilet paper rolls and building a DNA double helix out of them, or an (admittedly kick-ass) pair of spy binoculars.

5. I barely volunteer at school. It was five long years getting them out of the house, now what sane person would doggedly shadow them through their day. Now really.

6. I refuse to buy them a Pretendo WHEEEEE! , a Staystation, an X-cess weight Box, all of those require the child to be in the house. That's where I am. See #5.

7. I have no problem with interference. Please, feel free to parent my child. Go ahead, tell me what I am doing wrong. This comes not from any "it-takes-a-village"mentality but more likely, an "I'm-a-very-lazy-mom, the-more-you-do-the-less-I-have-to" mentality.

8. Eight o'clock is an all-purpose bed-time, even for a thirteen year old. Once eight o'clock hits I can put a DVD of "The Wire" in, pour a glass of wine for Daddy-O and me, and settle in. "I don't care if your friends go to bed at midnight, their parents don't love them like I love you" (wink and a nudge to Daddy-O).

9. All the experts say "NO IDLE THREATS" --oh, but the look of shock and shear terror on a young one's face when you let loose with a particularly creative one is certainly worth all the corrective behavioral therapy you may need in the future!! And it can be surprisingly effective in the short-term (at least until you leave the grocery store).

10. I have no issue with my children seeing my bad behavior. My rants at the morons deigning to share the road with me are only teaching them how to best vent frustration at having to share the planet with the 50% of humans residing along the lower half of the bell curve.

There are more to come but it is well past 8:00pm.......................Cheers!